As I sit here waiting for the blue moon of July 31st to rise above me, I thought maybe I’ll write something. It’s been such a long time since I’ve written.
Where to start?
I am alone.
Sometimes that moves in to lonely.
When it is lonely it is because I am afraid of something and I am not allowing myself to feel the fear. When I don’t allow myself to feel my feelings, I go away from myself. I lose my connection to me. When I am disconnected, I am lonely.
I am lonely for me.
Yes, I would like to have a special someone in my life to share things with. To be connected to. But as I’ve traveled this path I have realized I don’t NEED a husband, a boyfriend, a partner. I may like to have a relationship, but I don’t need to have one.
I have achieved such a level of happiness. A true happiness on my own! As me!
As my coach says, I am living my life to the richest and fullest I have ever lived it. I truly am.
You know how I’m doing that? There are many things I am doing to experience such joy, such happiness.
One of the things I did, I did this winter into spring when I had a small self hibernation period. I chose to detach from the outer world, not in depression and isolation, but as a time of great inner healing. It was precipitated by a break up. A relationship that truly triggered some deep, deep wounds that I had never had the courage to look at, the courage to heal. For that, I will always be eternally grateful for the message monster of this person, of this relationship. So I spent 3 months or so choosing to limit my exposure and interaction with the outside world. I truly was hibernating and focusing purely within. Listening and noticing whatever was coming up.
Maybe I will write another post about how my totem animal has morphed from a butterfly to a snake. This started on my spiritual retreat in Costa Rica last year “Embracing the Magic.” I used to have a paranoia of snakes, I am serious, a true paranoia. During that retreat that morphed in to me being a snake. Weird, huh? At the end of the retreat I had one of the most powerful visualizations and experiences I have ever had meditating. We were meditating at Gandoca, which is a power center of Earth, what some call Ley Lines. There was a thunder storm. We were doing an Elements meditation. I literally felt the energy of the earth come up both of my legs as I sat on that bench under the pavilion as two snakes coiling up my legs!
Snakes hibernate and snakes shed their old skin that no longer fits them.
I just finished a shedding. In actuality I just emerged from a period of cleansing and detoxing.
When I first read what snake medicine is inThe Discovery of Power through the Ways of Animals, by Jamie Sams, David Carson and Angela C. Werneke in Costa Rica, it talks about how snakes have the power to charm and embrace fire medicine. Those who can wield the power of fire medicine are quite rare. This really spoke to me and excited me.
In June, I met Kristin Trotter Van Wey, a healer in her own right and now a friend. She read my palm and immediately said “You are a fire!” Now this is a message I have been getting a lot over the years, but I have been afraid to embrace it. From an Ayurvedic specialist, to the fact that I always run hot, have a ruddy complexion and red is my favorite color and always has been. Somehow this time I really heard it.
Now because of the work I’ve done, I have the courage to really step in to it and embrace my Fire!
Another thing Kristin said to me is Fire people must spend 80% of their time in self care. Now this is something Joanne, my coach, and I have been talking about for YEARS. How I do better when I am focusing on and need to make sure I am doing enough self care. But for some reason I was finally in a place to really hear it.
SO… it has been a summer of self care for me!!!
For example, on the Fourth of July, I declared it Happy Independence Day for me and this is how I spent my day: Started with a 45 min, over 2 mile walk with my dog where I added in some run intervals along the river and Long Island Sound. I ended up doing 10 minutes of running total. Haven’t run since last fall, so that was a good start and felt really, really good. Then treated myself to breakfast on the patio at our local farm to table restaurant, which I ate mindfully. Read some of my book club book while I finished my green tea. Off to my first Tarot card reading and Jin Shin Jyutsu energy session. WOW!!!! Came home made a nutritious rainbow salad and ate it mindfully. Detox soak bath with dōTERRA essential oils while I listened to my Theta Wave Chakra Balancing and diffused grapefruit oil. Grapefruit oil is “honoring your body.” Rested on bed to meditation music and let my skin breathe. Self massage including nice foot massage with dōTERRA body lotion with grapefruit oil in some places and lavender oil in others. Off to the store to buy fresh organic fruit for fruit salad I said I would bring to our fireworks gathering. Walked to the beach with my friend, Tina and 3 new friends to watch the fireworks. Home and to bed by 10:30. What a blissful, joyful and nourishing day!
Since I have been focusing on self care, my fire has truly caught and is now blazing! Self care stokes my fire.
This week was a bit of an anniversary of sorts for me with an old relationship. I was a little melancholy. However, a dear friend (who has been a friend forever) and I have really started leaning on each other in regards to our romantic relationships and where we are emotionally with men (and of course other things). I realized this week that I’m not alone just because I’m not in a relationship. Of course I’ve had this realization before, but it felt important to have it amidst this melancholic period of missing this particular person. This old, forever friend has been my connection. Instead of texting this ex and staying engaged and tied to a relationship that no longer serves me, I text her.
I took inspiration from another friend, Beth Prins Leas, who posts amazing morning meditation musings every day on facebook. Today’s was about the blue moon.
So I decided to build a fire tonight under the blue moon. As I have waited for the moon to rise over head, I have listened to music, eaten dinner mindfully, texted with my forever friend, and texted with both of my daughters.
My forever friend has suggested I dance by my fire, under this blue moon and that is what I will do.
After I dance, I will sit, embracing my fire and meditate under the lunar power of the blue moon.